Previous 20

Feb. 12th, 2016

Oh fuck me sideways! So, GreatestJournal has closed up shop. I had no warning, so I've lost shit I wanted to keep. FUCK! The worst part is, I don't even know what I've lost, I just know I posted some poetry on there that is now lost to the void. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I believe I shall download all of my other journals now, because who knows when IJ and LJ are going to decide to close up shop? UGH.

Jul. 27th, 2011

For an IMDB poll, just posting so I can remember who I chose so I can see if my guys/girls win. XD Hottest actors/actresses aged from 20-40/21-40.

1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. DJ Qualls
3. Jerry O'Connell
4. Justin Long
5. Patrick Fugit
6. Breckin Meyer
7. Christopher Masterson
8. Ashton Kutcher
9. Tobey Maguire
10. Callum Blue

1. Lizzy Caplan
2. Zooey Deschane
3. Mila Kunis
4. Roselyn Sanchez
5. Amanda Seyfried
6. Keira Knightley
7. Olivia Wilde
8. Rose McGowan
9. Elena Satine
10. Megan Fox

May. 22nd, 2011

"I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work." ~ Christopher Titus

Jan. 23rd, 2009

The scent of the air outside is that of approaching spring. It's intoxicating and makes me long for it to get here in full force. I know there are some cold, cold days ahead before we actually get there, though. It should be spring. I feel like spring. It should be spring. Fuck this winter shit.

Several days ago, I got told I don't know how to express love for Neil. Of course, I guess I sorta asked for it, I guess, because I graphically compared his constant delay on releasing Archives to sexual teasing. I wasn't expressing love then, though. I was very tongue-in-cheek, though I'm sure the post came off as totally serious. Ohhhhhhh welllllll. Oddly enough, when someone responded with something about how I was being disrespectful and how I won't ever know real love if I don't even know how to express it, well, I took that very hard for some reason and hid in Marilyn Manson because it dawned on me that the person was right. Even though I didn't mean the post seriously (though I did think that's what he's doing, teasing with it so it'll be more intense when it does get released. The way I said it wasn't meant to be taken seriously), it was no longer about the post itself. The response attacked my ability to love, and it made me think about everything- my obsessions, my relationships and the way I look at all these things. I thought specifically about my relationship from almost three years ago and decided I really don't know how to love.

Then I got high on marijuana for the first time a few days later. I was still sort of depressed and stressed from all that was going on in my life before that point, but I didn't do it to escape my problems, I did it out of curiosity. My brother had been keeping some for a while before that and he just called one night and offered to share and I said hey groovy. I was shocked when I woke up the next day and was actually in a cheery mood. I'm not actually depressed again even now. I can see how people can get stuck on the stuff, which is exactly why I have no intention of any kind of regular use. Still, it was very interesting, and I understand songs like "Eight Miles High" so much more now.

The stuff we got was a special brew, had a trace of a mild acid in it (the kind derived from cannibis plants). My brother didn't hallucinate, but I did mildly. Saffron's back did this weird sawblade thing, like a snake under sand in an upward motion. I'll have to draw it sometime. What was funny about it was it took me a minute to realize it wasn't normal for her back to do that. The experience has made me curious of acid. It's definitely on my to-do list. So are magic mushrooms, but they have been on the list almost as long as marijuana.

I don't actually know what the point of this post was. I just started typing. That's the best way to do it, I think. Clear motives for construction ruin the moment.

Jan. 14th, 2009

What is so great about Scarlett Johogballs?

Dec. 23rd, 2008

Stole a survey from [info]majikmoondust

stolen survey thing )

Dec. 22nd, 2008



Dec. 19th, 2008

I. Miss. You. So. Fucking. Much.

just another girl left in tears )

Minute of Decay
By Marilyn Manson

There's not much left to love
Too tired today to hate
I feel the empty
I feel the minute of decay

I'm on my way down now
I'd like to take you with me
I'm on my way down
I'm on my way down now
I'd like to take you with me
I'm on my way down

The minute that it's born
It begins to die
I'd love to just give in
I'd love to live this lie

I've been to black and back
I've whited out my name
A lack of pain
A lack of hope
A lack of anything to say

I'm on my way down now
I'd like to take you with me
I'm on my way down
I'm on my way down

The minute that it's born
It begins to die
I'd love to just give in
I'd love to live this lie

I'd love to live this lie

Oh, do you see it?
Or do you know?
(Oh, do you see it?)
I've looked ahead and everything was dead
(Or do you know?)
I guess that I am too
(Oh, do you see it?)
I've looked ahead and everything was dead
(Or do you know?)
I guess that I...
Well, I guess that I am too

The minute that it's born
It begins to die
I'd love to just give in
Oh, I'd love to live and lie
I'd love to live a lie

I'm on my way down now
I'd like to take you with me
I'm on my way down
I'm on my way down now
I'd like to take you with me
I'm on my way down

Dec. 18th, 2008



Dec. 16th, 2008

Music is such an absurd beastie. Instruments, voices, people creating these sounds to be pleasing to the senses- and I can't help wondering why. Why? I adore music, but I don't understand why I do. I don't understand how celebrities are formed when a large number of people connect with a person via their songs. I don't understand the concept of a song.

Don't get me wrong, I don't understand any kind of activity that doesn't sustain one's physical being, but I care enough about music to question it specifically. And yes, the argument could be made that music sustains the physical being by keeping people from committing suicide, but that brings us to the reason it keeps us from suicide- sex.

It's in so many places. Marilyn Manson probably says it best:

All so tired
Desexed and jaded
Hopeless and souless and bored of the thrill
We make our death/sex symbol
When we can't fuck, then we kill

Humans have taken the concept of the mating dance, and turned it into this. That's the only explanation I can come up with. But then, what practicality is a mating dance anyway? To attract a mate, to propagate the species, but couldn't propagation happen anyway? And I certainly don't want to have children, so where's my reason? Instinct?

So, music appeals on a basilarly instinctual level, is that it?

What it all boils down to, and not just music, but everything in the world, is that life is about sex and death, sometimes at once.

There you go, folks; the meaning of life.

[Edit] I'll cut it down even further, because sex and death are really all part of the same beast- survival. So it all boils down to that, actually. Condensed soup. Lol.

Dec. 15th, 2008

It's one thing to notice in pictures and videos, but is it bad to notice in person that Neil's... well that he's well endowed? Hell, it's probably bad to notice in pictures and videos too. I don't care. I'm tired of, tired. I don't need/want anyone! God, now I can't even look at Neil. I knew this would happen. I thought I was out of the woods with it since it hadn't happened yet and I saw him six days ago, but here we go, I feel guilty looking at him. FUCK.

Of all the unattainable people I've ever been into, I didn't want to lose it for Neil. Now it looks inevitable that it's going to happen. I feel like fucking crying.

I'm already looking upon Marilyn Manson gently. Back to him, eh? I always go back to him. Problem this time is that I've outgrown him.

So what now?

Maybe I won't actually lose Neil. I'm still attracted to him, I just feel guilty about it. I can get over that, right? Really, I think I could. The question I keep asking myself, though, is, should I? What I mean is, should I be into anyone like this? Isn't it a betrayal of the person?

It hurts, man, it hurts. I don't wanna stop loving Neil. It's not like I'm hurting him, he doesn't even know I exist. I should chill out, right?

Not even Neil.

God, don't make me realize that. It hurts.

Nov. 28th, 2008

Thanksgiving was a bit of a disaster, and I think it was my fault. I mean, I was kind of an asshole. Eh well. I'm skipping Christmas, hopefully, because I could really see that turning into some shit. I just, ugh, it seems I actively try to upset people. I don't know what my problem is. I do know that's at least part of the reason I don't do social situations though.

I can't be something I'm not. I find more and more that religion offends me. I don't know. Religion does, family does. Maybe it's not that they offend me so much as I'm threatened by them? So I ended up explaining to family that I'm not religious when they tried to get me to read aloud a dinner prayer that relies heavily on God and the idea of God. I was beyond alienated, but I stood up for my beliefs (or lack thereof) and refused to read it. I can't read shit like that aloud genuinely. I don't believe it at all. I wish I'd thought to ask if I could instead say my own prayer. See, Mamaw said, "You don't have to believe in God to be thankful." And yes, I know that, but the prayer was so Godcentric. It kept saying, "God help me to remember this, God help me to remember that"... I couldn't... I couldn't read it aloud. I could barely read it at all (it was like reading the words of someone fully willing to give up on themselves and use God as a crutch. It scared me, quite seriously). Offering such drivel as a family blessing would've felt like lying to everyone there. I couldn't do it. In retrospect, I wish I had asked if I could offer my own prayer that included everyone, religious or not. I really wish I had. Too late now. I didn't think about it until after the fact, I was just so damn flustered and caught off guard that I didn't have time to think, and I actually started backing towards the door and shaking my head violently and laugh-scoffing sarcastically when Mamaw asked Mom to read it instead and Papaw said, "but I thought Sarah was going to say the prayer". Oh god. It was like I wanted everyone to know I thought they were full of shit. Why did I do that? Really? Where's that open mind I supposedly have?

I think I do all this shit on purpose on some level, these fucked up underhanded things. What the hell is wrong with me? I found myself saying things I sorta regret now. Like, part of my family hates another part of my family and the part that the family we went to see today hates supplied the persimmons for the persimmon pudding Mom made, and I just found that so hilariously ironic that I couldn't help snickering about it. I even drew Dad's attention to it. He thought it was funny too. XD That was okay though, but then Papaw said the persimmons were really good and asked where they came from. Oh god. I just snickered to myself, but I think I was semi-noticable. It was so funny though, and Papaw made it so much worse by asking something neither Dad nor I could answer (by that time, Dad and I were the only adults left out of Mom, Dad, Hank and myself- Hank couldn't be there because he had to work and Mom left early because she got offended by a conversation or maybe she didn't want to offend with something within her waiting to blow up because the whole religion thing kinda got Mom and Papaw into a heated argument about religion... yeah...).

I just want to go get a key lime pie and eat the whole fucking thing.

Nov. 12th, 2008

Happy Birthday Neil Young
Thank you for sharing your passion with the world ♥


e )

Nov. 7th, 2008

You Are 8% Girly

Um... you're a guy, right? If not, you're the most boyish girl in the world.

And for you, that's probably the ultimate compliment.

Last time I took this I got 24%. What happened? XD

Jun. 4th, 2008

This is wonderful. XD

I wanna hug a hippie!

May. 24th, 2008

strange dream )

May. 23rd, 2008

I want a man like Neil Young. There are probably men out there who share common attributes, but men like Neil don't want women like I am.

May. 22nd, 2008

just written )

Previous 20