Nothing To Lose

Nothing To Lose

Patchouli Young

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[Nov. 28th, 2008|03:09 am]

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Tags

intentional social ineptitude, religion, thanksgiving

]

Thanksgiving was a bit of a disaster, and I think it was my fault. I mean, I was kind of an asshole. Eh well. I'm skipping Christmas, hopefully, because I could really see that turning into some shit. I just, ugh, it seems I actively try to upset people. I don't know what my problem is. I do know that's at least part of the reason I don't do social situations though.

I can't be something I'm not. I find more and more that religion offends me. I don't know. Religion does, family does. Maybe it's not that they offend me so much as I'm threatened by them? So I ended up explaining to family that I'm not religious when they tried to get me to read aloud a dinner prayer that relies heavily on God and the idea of God. I was beyond alienated, but I stood up for my beliefs (or lack thereof) and refused to read it. I can't read shit like that aloud genuinely. I don't believe it at all. I wish I'd thought to ask if I could instead say my own prayer. See, Mamaw said, "You don't have to believe in God to be thankful." And yes, I know that, but the prayer was so Godcentric. It kept saying, "God help me to remember this, God help me to remember that"... I couldn't... I couldn't read it aloud. I could barely read it at all (it was like reading the words of someone fully willing to give up on themselves and use God as a crutch. It scared me, quite seriously). Offering such drivel as a family blessing would've felt like lying to everyone there. I couldn't do it. In retrospect, I wish I had asked if I could offer my own prayer that included everyone, religious or not. I really wish I had. Too late now. I didn't think about it until after the fact, I was just so damn flustered and caught off guard that I didn't have time to think, and I actually started backing towards the door and shaking my head violently and laugh-scoffing sarcastically when Mamaw asked Mom to read it instead and Papaw said, "but I thought Sarah was going to say the prayer". Oh god. It was like I wanted everyone to know I thought they were full of shit. Why did I do that? Really? Where's that open mind I supposedly have?

I think I do all this shit on purpose on some level, these fucked up underhanded things. What the hell is wrong with me? I found myself saying things I sorta regret now. Like, part of my family hates another part of my family and the part that the family we went to see today hates supplied the persimmons for the persimmon pudding Mom made, and I just found that so hilariously ironic that I couldn't help snickering about it. I even drew Dad's attention to it. He thought it was funny too. XD That was okay though, but then Papaw said the persimmons were really good and asked where they came from. Oh god. I just snickered to myself, but I think I was semi-noticable. It was so funny though, and Papaw made it so much worse by asking something neither Dad nor I could answer (by that time, Dad and I were the only adults left out of Mom, Dad, Hank and myself- Hank couldn't be there because he had to work and Mom left early because she got offended by a conversation or maybe she didn't want to offend with something within her waiting to blow up because the whole religion thing kinda got Mom and Papaw into a heated argument about religion... yeah...).

I just want to go get a key lime pie and eat the whole fucking thing.